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PheromonalSpaz
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Name: Haley
Country: United States
State: Mississippi
Metro: Tupelo
Birthday: 9/28/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Love, some people, friends, food, macaroni and cheese, doodling, reading, laziness, City Bagel, massages, New York City
Expertise: Music, freelance awesomeness
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  BritishSuperhero
Member Since:
6/1/2001
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| I'm going back to school. I'm getting away from psychotic, abusive crazy ex. I've FINALLY found the man of my dreams, the only one I can honestly say since 2004 has made me say "Paul who??", and on top of all that, my life is relatively drama-free. Except for the ex. But soon. Drama-free.
Wish me luck in my long-overdue picking up of my feet and getting-together of my shit. I can't wait. | | |
| oh yeah... forgot to mention this earlier, but... I'm sort of in a weird funk right now, in which I'm really crushing on these two guys that I could never, ever be with, for totally different reasons. Well, one of them's got a long-term girlfriend, I think they've been together for like four years, so THAT'S never gonna happen, but this guy is so fucking cute and so fucking perfect for me, from what I've seen..... arrrrrghhhhh the good ones are always taken ;)
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| I can't just sit around and bitch about my life for... well, the rest of my life. I have got to just get off my ass and do something about my life if I don't like the direction in which it is heading. Sure, what's comfortable is easy, and sure, it's hard to leave what you know and the people you care about. As pathetic as it may sound, I've really become accustomed to Starkville and working at the apple hut. I really thought things would change once a certain SomeOne (and maybe a few others as well) eventually moved away from town. But I'm pretty good at dealing with change; I've had to be, and I bounce back pretty quickly, I meet new friends. Do I miss the others? Terribly, every day. Especially the one I knew I'd miss the most. And I don't know that I'll ever be quite as close to another human being as I was with those boys that I was attached at the hip to for a couple of years. I'm rambling.
I can't keep running to others for advice, and then not heeding it whatsoever. I need to think for myself just a little bit, too. What a fucking novel idea.
I need a wake-up call, in the worst way.
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| So.
By Murphy's Law, just as soon as I think nothing can really get crazier or worse, it does.
I have to actually write this down and re-read it to see how crazy it sounds, but.... I am in love with a guy who severely emotionally abuses me and sometimes physically abuses me. And now he's fucking other girls, and I'm absolutely sick about it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????
Even as I type now, I can feel the tinges of pain from my permanently injured hand that I still blame him for, as I partially blame him for taking my music from me. This person has some sort of power over me that I don't like, some sort of overwhelming pull to just want to do everything that I can for him in hopes that he will even slightly appreciate it.
WHO DOES THAT????
I threw away another, and my final, chance at real love with the person I was probably intended to be with, had I not been so crazy, for this boy. I let myself believe that he is the end-all be-all of my other half, and that I will never find anyone else that i can be so comfortable with. However, he makes me absolutely miserable.
HAVEN'T I ALREADY BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD????
I had a child with him, for God's sake, and even though we did give her up for adoption (Thank God), I wonder if this makes me feel some sort of emotional bond with this crazy person. I wonder if I am desperate to hold on to our love because I am afraid of being alone. I wonder if I am so insanely jealous that even after a breakup that I DESPERATELY need to keep my sanity and health, I still get sick to my stomach when I think of him with other girls. I wonder why I can't lay in that bed without feeling a freezing void next to me where I should be able to curl up next to him with his arm around me, or lay on his chest and hold him close to me.
.... is he doing that with someone else??
WAKE. THE. FUCK. UP. HALEY.
it is time to be alone. it is time to have close friends, and not a romantic relationship. it's time to be real, and let my friends see my weak side, not just show my weak side to some guy so that he'll fall for me. has it really taken me this long to listen to you, T.J.? My best friend, my heart? I miss you so.
You know, I always told you I had to figure it out for myself.
Maybe I'll move away. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.
God, that boy knows how to hurt me. Paul, you were right. You told me from the start that you thought he really had the potential to hurt me bad. And you saw what I didn't see then.
The way I need to work through my jealousy is simple: Take myself directly to the worst possible situation. He falls in love with this girl, they get together. Then, either a) she'll discover how FUCKING crazy he is, and get out before she gets as deep in as I did, or b) they'll end up happily ever after, in which case I must constantly remind myself that staying with him would have been anything but happily ever after, so I should be glad that he found someone that fits him better. Not someone "better than me," I can't keep believing these lies he tells me. He tries to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of his love, and that's why he's moved on to someone "better." But I truly believe that he's using these hurtful words to drive me away, and that he loves me and knows just as well as I do that we
DO
NOT
WORK.
What makes us as human beings stay in a relationship in which we are miserable? Why is it that every time I thought about being with this boy for the rest of my life, it sent chills down my spine in horror, but whenever he looked into my eyes and said he wanted to make me his wife, it melted my heart? That doesn't make a DAMN bit of sense.
I really do love him. It's a misdirected love. Maybe I love what I wish he was like; I just love the good in him that I see when he breaks down and is kind and loving to me.
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| 1. Working sucks
2. Not being in school sucks
3. Hurting your hand sucks
4. Being poor sucks
5. 69 cent scoop Wednesday at Baskin Robbins rules
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